Baby gone, fallopian tube gone it was time to face the reality of life. Do I get off this motherhood train or do I continue? If I get off, do I just take a rest and continue my journey later, change platforms or accept defeat? Decisions! Decisions!! Decisions!!!
Friends and family came round to the house to sympathise. I had all kinds of advice on how to deal with the situation I had found myself in. I heard all sorts of “comforting” words/phrases. Things like – God knows best; God cannot be questioned because He is God; I shouldn’t be crying because, by crying I’m questioning God’s sovereignty and a whole lot more. With all the best intentions all these phrases were meant to comfort me but they only frustrated me and made me cry even more. There where days I didn’t feel like receiving visitors and sometimes I felt like screaming at some of those that came to just shut-up as their words only made me cry and feel even more hopeless. Can I just pause here to say – if you ever find yourself in that uncomfortable situation where you have to go and sympathise with someone for whatever reason, your presence already speaks volume of how much you love and care. Please don’t feel obliged to say anything because saying the wrong thing could make the visit pointless.
There was one person though that did not come to sympathise but to empathise with me. This person understood my pain and frustration as his wife had also lost a number pregnancies in the past and at this point he and his wife were proud parents to three children. He encouraged me that it was okay to mourn my baby but in my mourning I should not sin against God. He left me with the scripture in Mathew 5:4 which says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”. He also prayed for me before he left and in his prayer he prayed for restoration.
Days turned into weeks and gradually the amount of people coming round started to dwindle. I believed God’s word that those that mourn will be comforted after all He had comforted me in the past when I lost my dad. I didn’t know how He was going to do it but I just had to bring myself to that point where I trusted that He is more than able to bring comfort. The thought that his comfort does not necessary mean I would have a child one day brought tears to my eyes and broke my heart, but in all I rested in knowing that whatever God decided to do was best for me. The famous hymn “It is well with soul” by Horatito Spatford became my mantra. Some days were better than others as I travelled down the recovery path. There was the obvious physical healing period from the surgery and there was the more painful healing of the mind. Some days it was as if all hell had conspired to torment me. Every single T.V. station had one advert or the other about baby products when I attempted to watch television be it during the day or at night, and when I decided to go out instead of staying home, almost every other woman I met while I was out was either pregnant or had a baby with them. Why? O! Why me? Why my child? Did I have to also lose a fallopian tube to complicate matters? I couldn’t resist asking those questions over and over again.
My dear husband in all this also had to deal with the grief of losing a child and at the same time stay strong for both us. The expression on his face didn’t give much away as to what he was thinking. He got back from church one of the Sundays I was home trying to recuperate and when he came back home there was a mixture of pain and hope in his eyes. He told me that there was a baby dedication in church and although he did not know the couple he felt strongly within him that God wanted him to join the couple at the altar as they went to dedicate their child with family and friends. Romans 12: 15 in the Bible which says ‘Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep’ suddenly came alive in him. As he shared this with me I realised God was trying to tell us something. People had come to weep with us in our time of weeping and it was time we started rejoicing with those who are rejoicing. We purposed in our hearts from then on to join every baby dedication in church regardless of whether or not we knew the couple.
In obedience to God we started joining every couple dedicating their babies in church and rejoicing with every expectant mother regardless of whether or not we knew them personally. In order to deal with pain of having to watch baby adverts on T.V. I decided to swap T.V. for listening to worship songs instead and soon enough I was restored fully – body, soul and spirit. Four months after losing the first pregnancy God did it, I became pregnant. This time around pregnancy went well. To the shock and amazement of the doctors I did not suffer from morning sickness, had no crisis or any anticipated complications. God sealed it on the day of delivery. When I went into labour, the doctors and midwives were all on standby just in case anything went wrong. They noticed my baby was facing up instead of down and decided to opt for caesarean section in other to avoid the baby going into distress or the labour triggering a crisis. However God had it all under control. Just before they were meant to cut me open to bring the baby out, the doctor decided to try one last time to flip my son and see if he would change position and at that point he came out. He came out but he was not connected to the umbilical cord. There was no cord to cut. I was asked to push but nothing came out and the doctor decided to put her hand in there to see if she could pull it out. To her shock and amazement it was all in pieces. She had to put her hand inside a few times to make sure every single piece was out. My baby had been disconnected from the umbilical cord, but for how long? The doctors could not tell, and how he managed to survive till this day remains a mystery. God showed Himself strong and placed me in the first class carriage of the motherhood train to go ahead and enjoy my journey as a mum.